MORE NONSENSE

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

After a most satisfying conception, a customary gestational period, and a labor that went on and on and on, More Nonsense has been delivered. Our adorable author, Melynda Fleury, is in the recovery room. She's in critical condition at the moment, but her status will change to satisfactory when a few books sell; and then she'll feel excellent when even more sell.

More Nonsense is the follow-up to Just Nonsense, a compilation of Melynda Lyndee's early posts from her blog, Crazy World. Melynda has assured me that More Nonsense is even funnier than Just Nonsense, but that remains to be seen because Just Nonsense was pretty darn funny.

Also, when deciding how many books to purchase, it wouldn't hurt to keep in mind that Melynda has lost her home and her sight because of diabetes. Elisa of The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom came up with publishing these books as a way to help Melynda earn some well-deserved moolah.

Now, where can you buy the new book? And where can you buy the first book if you don't have it yet, you silly thing, you?

You can go to Crazy World or visit our friends at amazon. Click on http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=more+nonsense+%2B+melynda+fleury+

Here's what the book looks like:

Please remember Melynda's contest, too. E-mail a funny photo of you or someone else reading her first book, Just Nonsense, to Melynda at Crazy World. Make sure it's rated G or PG. You need to get your photos to her no later than tomorrow, which is Saturday, because on Monday she'll start posting the photos on her blog. Readers can vote for their favorite photo. The winner receives a copy of More Nonsense.

Then later on, Melynda will have a contest to come up with a four-letter word to go before "Nonsense" on her third and final nonsense book. Boy, it's going to be difficult to keep Lola under control when it's time to submit four-letter words.

So, you can see that all sorts of fun surrounds this book, and I really really really want you to buy it because I love my Melynda the way Forrest loves Jenny, meaning I proposed and Melynda turned me down. She's staying with Phil, and she is not going to show up later with a baby I fathered. That would be pretty darn difficult anyway.  


Before we close for the weekend, I'll give you a quick update on my life:

1. No mas cucarachas.  
2. I applied for three jobs today. Two would have medical insurance.
3. In Dogtown, two of the Z Boys broke out of jail this afternoon. I wandered the neighborhood, disconsolate and wondering how in the heck they got the gate open with the chain on it. When I got home after no doggie sightings, Franklin was in the back yard. I don't think he really wants to run away. He gives in to peer pressure from Harper. I put Frankie Big Paws in the house with Scout, who is loyal and did not take off. Then I drove around the neighborhood in the car, searching for Harper. No Harper. I got home and there was a very nice lady with Harper on a lead. She saw him and was worried he would get hit by a car, so she brought him home. Aren't people nice? Most of the time, anyway?
4. I have tons of mosquito bites in spite of all recommended methods of keeping the little bastards away. The bites are especially bad on my feet. I probably got them while I was searching for the boys because I hurried out of the house wearing sandals and no mosquito repellent. 
5. Lola sunbathed in the nude today and sunburned her bodacious ta-tas. When she gets skin cancer, or her photo is published online and in the National Enquirer, I'll be right here to say, Lola, I told you so. Cuz I did.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

THE SWORD OF SENACK

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Dive with me into a fascinating underwater world where siblings must work together to defeat monsters as they search for their sister. It's The Sword of Senack by E.C. Stilson, author of the outstanding memoir The Golden Sky, available at amazon with the following link -- http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_1?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+golden+sky

Although The Sword of Senack is billed as a Young Adult Fantasy, I think it could be enjoyed by some old people, too, such as your Janie Junebug, who thinks quite highly of everything E.C. Stilson does.  The book will probably be most appropriate for middle and high school students and might be read aloud to older elementary school age children. It could lead to some excellent discussions about cooperation and stranger danger.

And look at the illustration on the cover. Is that adorable, or what? All the illustrations are outstanding. I'm in love with that orange dragon and the darling girl.

Because the book has a pretty wide cast of characters, Stilson includes a glossary at the back of the book to help us keep track of sea creatures and Mer-Sons.

You can purchase The Sword of Senack, the first of a trilogy, at amazon, using the link above. Or purchase it at E.C. Stilson's blog, The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom.


I don't know if your kids are out of school yet, but if they aren't, they will be soon; and you'll be very glad to give them this book the first time you hear the whine: "I'm bored."

Now, here's some information involving another book. Melynda Fleury's second book, More Nonsense, is being born TODAY, and she is having the cutest contest. Take a clever, funny photo of someone -- you, your dogs, a baby, an inhabitant of the zoo, your husband on the toilet -- reading Melynda's first book, Just Nonsense, and email the photos to Melynda at her blog, Crazy World. Photos must be rated G or PG. I had to put a stop to Lola sending in a photo of herself reading the book while she sunbathed au natural. 


Melynda will post the photos on her blog starting Monday and allow her voting public to decide which photo is the best. The winner receives a copy of the new book, which you can purchase at amazon by clicking on the link above (the one that says More Nonsense), or you can purchase the first book and the second at Crazy World.

You need to get your rears in gear, people. Today is Thursday, and Melynda wants your photos no later than Saturday.

She already has my photos since I'm such a good girl.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

BERYL, GET LOST!

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

I am not happy. And when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

Actually, that's a lie. The dogs are the only ones here with me and they seem perfectly content.

I, however, am not happy because I am ready for Tropical Storm Beryl to fly away.

Right now.

She's been here since Sunday. This is hump day. Don't you think she's worn out her welcome?

This is Beryl arriving near Jacksonville late Sunday night.

I don't really mind the rain Beryl brought. We've had a drought for more than a year, so rain is good. But two things happened yesterday that bugged the heck out of me.

First, while I was taking a nap, water started dripping from one of the screws in the dining room ceiling vent. By the time I discovered the drip, the dining room table was wet, two of the chairs were wet and had ugly stains, and the floor had a nice big puddle.

I got up on my trusty step stool and discovered the vent was loose. The screw from which the water dripped needed to be tightened. Try as I might, I could not turn that screw.

Sadly, I had to force myself to march next door and ask hot, hot young Anthony to come over and take care of my screwing needs. I was a little sad that Anthony was wearing his shirt, but oh, how very nice it was to have him in my little house for a visit. He tamed the screw. The water stopped dripping.

I was concerned that I had a leak that was coming from the roof to the attic to the vent. Maybe I do, but Little Chick thinks it's condensation because of all the humidity brought by Beryl. Favorite Young Man will check the attic to make sure the Christmas decorations stay dry.

Thus, Beryl = a leak or increased humidity that made a mess. That's a good enough reason for her to go.

But after I was happily screwed, something much worse happened. I took the sheets off my bed and someone ran out of the bed. It wasn't Anthony. It was

Yes! La cucaracha was sleeping in my bed. When I pulled back the sheets, he ran under the mattress. Suddenly possessing superhuman strength, I managed to lift the mattress, but he disappeared.

I sent out SOS texts, and Little Chick came over with upholstery cleaner for the wet dining room chairs, bug spray that won't harm the dogs, and roach motels. She was very sweet and helped me feel better.

But now that I've seen one cockroach in my bed, I know there are others even though the sheets are clean. The roach motels haven't had time to do their job.

So, now the question is this: Unless Beryl takes all the roaches when she leaves, where am I going to sleep?

Anthony, oooooooh Anthony. Do you have any extra room in your bed?

Infinities of love,

Lola

MRS. WALRUS?

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

When I worked at the nursing home, we had a patient named Bev whose last name was a tiny bit difficult to pronounce, meaning I checked with her when I said it to make sure I had it right.

We also had a nurse named Pat. Pat was an idiot. Pat smoked inside the building, where we had all that lovely piped-in oxygen. Fortunately, she was fired before she blew us up.

But before Pat departed, she informed me that she could not pronounce Bev's last name. I call her Mrs. Walrus, Pat said.

Mrs. Walrus? While true that this lovely woman's name started with W-A, it bore absolutely no resemblance to Walrus. But knowing Pat, I kept my mouth shut and didn't try to convince her that she could learn to pronounce Bev's name.

However, I was offended by Pat's cavalier attitude about her inability to pronounce Bev's name. What was her problem? The name had four short syllables. It was not difficult to say.

Unfortunately, I find myself astounded over and over again by people who refuse to learn to pronounce someone's name. Once in a class, a fellow student of mine insisted on pronouncing the beginning of a patient's name as C-R-O when it was actually C-O. I told this idiot who was later fired for being such an asshat her how to say the name correctly, and Miss Orifice in her head that belonged where a butt should be she had the fricking fracking nerve to say, Whatever.

I said quite firmly, No. Not whatever. And I reiterated the correct way to say the name.

I was reminded of these incidents when our darling Dee wrote about respect recently. I wrote in my comment about the importance of showing respect for people by pronouncing their names correctly. WE ARE OUR NAMES.

When I was growing up, I can't tell you how sick and tired I became of having my name mispronounced, intentionally mispronounced, and generally used as a way of teasing me. My name (Goltz) is really not that difficult. It is a single syllable. My greatest fear when we had a substitute teacher was that she would come up with some new -- and hilarious to others -- mispronunciation of my name with which I would be tortured from then on.

Because of my experience, and because, like Dee, I want to show respect for people, I am very careful to learn how to pronounce and spell names, no matter how difficult they might be. I once had a friend from an African country who was astonished that I could say and spell her name. She was absolutely thrilled.

And it really wasn't that difficult. It took about five minutes for me to learn.

As for Pat, is it really possible that she COULD NOT say Bev's last name, or was she simply a lazy disrespectful moronic bitchy person? Wait -- "person" seems too kind, but I can't think of a clever substitute at the moment.

I vote for lazy and disrespectful. After all, this was a charge nurse who sneaked around smoking INSIDE the nursing home.

But all too often, I hear, I can't say that name or I can't say that word. Well, unless that name is Schnitzaelfrakenhaurasauraritias and requires clarification, then yes, if you are a native of the United States, I believe you can learn to pronounce American words and names. If English is your second language, then I understand that you need help.

And that's the word.

But you know, Pat could have simply called Mrs. W by her first name -- Bev. I'm quite certain she would have preferred that to Walrus.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

MEMORIAL DAY

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Here we are at another Memorial Day. If you would like to learn more about the history of this "holiday," then please click here.

I really hate to see signs that say

This is not Valentine's Day, nor is it Christmas. Memorial Day is not a day of celebration. It is a day of remembrance, a day to observe with gratitude the sacrifices made by members of our military.  I am observing this day in two ways.

First, I made donations to the USO and to an organization that helps provide medical care to returning veterans. I can't save those who are already gone, but I can try to help those who serve us now.

Second, it's a day to think about my dad -- to think about how much I appreciated being raised by such a good father. He was a veteran, and he died on Memorial Day.

If you would like to watch a movie today, I recommend War Horse -- it is a beautiful story and the film is beautifully made. I was very impressed by it. And for those of you who are tired of sad movies, it has a happy ending.

If you are fortunate enough to be in the Washington, D.C. area, a visit to Arlington National Cemetery is in order, along with a trip to the mall to see the monuments. I never cease to be moved by The Wall.

I do hope you will teach your children the meaning of Memorial Day. I would appreciate it very much.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

MOVIE MOVIE WEEKEND

Gentle Readers . . . and Maxwell,

Maxwell, I know you said you didn't need a separate salutation anymore, but I don't think I'm ready to stop. I like singling you out for a little extra lovin'. But it's mom or grandma type love.

Now, dear ones, I have two new-to-DVD movies for you to consider watching this weekend.

I give the first a very high recommendation. It's Albert Nobbs, starring Glenn Close as the titular character -- a woman pretending to be a man so she can work as a butler in the best hotel in 19-century Dublin.

Close's performance is first rate. While I still believe Meryl Streep deserved the Best Actress Academy Award for The Iron Lady, Close's performance is mighty close to being as good as Streep's, who played Margaret Thatcher.

I warn you, however: Get out the Puffs or Kleenex for the end of Albert Nobbs. This film is very well made and quite moving.

I'm not sure what I think about Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, on the other hand. Nine-year-old Oskar, a precocious and eccentric boy, finds a key among his father's things. His dad (Tom Hanks) was killed in the World Trade Center on 9/11. Oskar searches for the lock to which the key belongs. It's a bit of a picaresque tale with odd Oskar traveling around New York City and meeting all sorts of people on the road to truth and acceptance.

I won't tell you if Oskar finds the lock and the owner of the key, but I will tell you that his mother (Sandra Bullock) is keeping an eye on him throughout his wanderings. Oskar may be a bit strange, but his mother loves him unconditionally, as a mother should.

I'm not really recommending this movie. I think you might want to read more about it, perhaps on IMDB, and make your own decision. Oskar's hypersensitivity made my hypersensitivity rear its head. If you think you can watch without feeling bugged by this little bugger, then you may like the movie.

But Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close is also quite sad.

Of course, these somber movies might put you in an appropriate mood for Memorial Day on Monday. I'll be back then with a brief message but not a What? Monday. Regular posts will resume on Tuesday. As far as I know.

Infinities of love,

Janie Junebug

DIRTYCOWGIRL GAVE ME THE SHITS

Now if that title doesn't draw readers into my web, then I don't know what will.

That damn friend of mine, the cunt who calls herself dirtycowgirl, gave me

That bitch knows I don't want more awards. She's just getting back at me for giving her an award although I know she doesn't want them either.

I think this may be the second or third or twenty-seventh time I've "won" this particular award.

dirtycowgirl, I am only doing this because you are you.

First, I'm supposed to answer some questions.

What's your favorite song? Don't have one cuz I'm going to use that for a What? Monday question so I'm not giving it up now.

What is your favorite dessert? Frosted sugar cookies, which must be enjoyed with milk.

What ticks you off?  Knuckle cracking and bad grammar.

When you're upset, what do you do?  Cry.

Which is/was your favorite pet?  Faulkner the smooth collie (July 26, 1997 - July 27, 2010)

Which do you prefer to wear, black or white?  Black. I'm in perpetual mourning.

What is your biggest fear?  Not finding a job with health insurance before my COBRA runs out.

What is your attitude mostly?  dirtycowgirl is a cunt.

What is perfection?  A cunt named dirtycowgirl.

What is your guilty pleasure? Frosted sugar cookies with milk.

Now I'm supposed to tell you ten more random things about myself although I've done this a million times before and have resorted to lying.

1. I am grossly amazed by donkey dicks.
2. I've never seen a dick bigger than a donkey's.
3. We used to live near a small ranch where they had a donkey.
4. I would slow down to stare when he had his dick out.
5. I caused an accident by slowing down to stare at the donkey's dick.
6. I crossed the center line while staring at the donkey's dick.
7. A car hit me while I was staring at the donkey's dick.
8. I was killed when the car hit me while I was staring at the donkey's dick.
9. In Heaven we can stare at donkey dicks whenever we want.
10. God never gets tired of my questions about donkey dicks.

There! I did it! I'm done. I hope you're happy you cunt, dirtycowgirl. You've probably offended all my nice readers by forcing me to do this.

Infinities of love,

Lola XOXO

And I refuse to give the shits to anyone else.